Review of Under Paris

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Under Paris is a new French shark thriller that can hold its own with any fish movie out there--and you know I love my scary fishies flicks--a 2024 film directed by Xavier Gens and written by Gens, Yannick Dahan and Maud Heywang.

Grieving, genius scientist Sophia Assalas (Berenice Bejo), working with the river patrol, must figure out a way to save Paris and Olympic triathalon swimmers from becoming chum as an overly-large shark appears in the river Seine. The breeding rate is astronomical, the female sharks engaged in parthenogenesis, the ability to breed without a male.

The movie opens with Sophia's team trying to save the ecosystem in the ocean, then all her men--including her husband--are gored to death by too-large sharks that aren't supposed to be there, who've bred stealthily.

When Sophia, working with eco' warriors, endeavors to get the Seine closed and the triathalon cancelled, the mayor, Anne Marivin (Le maire de Paris) pulls a Jaws and cares more about making money than saving lives.

What results is a bloodbath with some of the greatest shots I've ever seen and gore unparalleled. Foreign films really are the best (not better than Jaws, though)! 

Enjoy if you haven't! It's on Netflix!

Review of Fall

 

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I had heard that Stephen King gave this one high praise, but also that Google was bragging about it, so I decided to check it out. I'm so glad I did. 

Fall is a 2022 thriller written by Scott Mann and Jonathan Frank, and directed by Scott Mann. The movie showcases two young female thrill seekers who climb a 2,000-foot-tall television broadcasting tower and become stranded at the top. 

The movie opens with a mountain-climbing scene with vivacious protagonist Becky Conner (Grace Caroline Currey), her bestie, Shiloh Hunter (Virginia Gardner), the hot, bosomy blonde, and Becky's husband, Dan (Mason Gooding), who falls to his death. 

Becky crawls into a bottle until her father, James Conner (played by Neganesque Jeffrey Dean Morgan) endeavors to bring her out of it, not allowing her to drive home drunk. We learn her dad wasn't too keen on her late husband.

Hunter shows up to save the day and recommends they climb that old tower, for it's just the thing to bring Becky out of her blue funk. Once there, they find the tower to be too rickety . . . and the stairs fall away after they reach the top. During their struggles to be rescued, Becky learns that Hunter used her wiles to get Dan to cheat--proving her father correct--and that she got Dan to say he loved her, which was something Becky had failed to do. 

Check it out if you haven't: it's killer! Literally!

Smile Movie Review

 

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Smile is a film that left me unable to imagine a woman smiling without an evil grin. It's left its mark on me for more than a few days. More like a lifetime. Smile is a 2022 psychological, supernatural horror movie written and directed by Parker Finn and is his first full-length flick, based on the short film, Laura Hasn't Slept (2020).

At a psych' ward, therapist Rose Cotter (Sosie Bacon) meets grad' student Laura Weaver (Caitlin Stasey), who tells her she just saw her professor kill himself. Laura states she's being terrorized by an invisible entity that appears as various grinning people. She screams, in panic mode, then smiles that evil grin and cuts her own throat. 

On the 'morrow, Carl, a patient, smiles like Laura and screams that's she going to die. Rose calls the orderlies to restrain him, only to find out he's been asleep. Afraid for her sanity, her supervisor, Dr. Morgan Desai (Kal Penn from Harold & Kumar), forces her to take a week off work. 

Yet the hallucinations continue. She goes to seek help from her former therapist, Dr. Madeline Northcott (Robin Weigert), who finds that her hallucinations come from seeing her abusive-and-mentally-ill mother's death from an overdose.

When Rose attends her nephew's birthday party, her dead cat's said nephew's present, petrifying the other guests. Rose's mind becomes afire and squirms with bugs, the breakdown being exacerbated by seeing one of the guests copping that evil grin. 

The shit continues to hit the fan from there. I'm sure everyone's seen this film by now, but if not, this is a definite must-see.

Enjoy!

Crucible of the Vampire Movie Review

 

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Crucible of the Vampire is a 2019 British horror film directed by Ian Ross-Mcnamee and written by Darren Lake, Ian Ross McNamee, and John Wolskel. It was released with a remarkable lack of fanfare. 

A young, beautiful woman named Isabelle (Katie Goldfinch), who's also a museum curator, is sent by her professor (Phil Hemming) to a creepy old house to inspect a crucible used by a necromancer (Darren Lake) buried in the eerie manor.

The head of the house, Karl Scott-Morton (Larry Rew), welcomes her heartily, but then proves himself aggressive and threatening, even creepily insisting Isabelle go out to the pub one night. What could go wrong? She ends up being ogled and chased by young Tom (Aaron Jeffcoate), but Tom means to warn her about the evil in the manor, and Karl, furious to find him on his land again, marks him.

But Karl's vivacious daughter, Scarlett Scott-Morton (Florence Cady), looks at Isabelle suggestively after kissing her mother, Evelyn Scott-Morgan (played by MILF Babette Barat), goodnight at the dinner table and makes forward passes at her the whole time she's there, which leads to . . . 

. . . well, let's just say this movie is more of a lesbian soft porn than a horror flick.

A flash to the past finds the necromancer working a charm with the crucible in the forest, and soon is confronted by a witch hunter and civil war soldiers, the makeshift Cotton Mather accusing him of witchcraft, punishable by death back then, knowing he's brought his daughter back from the dead, as she haunts the forest.

They hang him high.

Back to the present, and the necromancer's daughter haunts Isabelle ghostly, is a vampire, and so is Scarlett, though not undead yet. This turns into a nightmare made flesh, and Isabelle soon regrets coming to the manor, and can't escape. 

If you enjoy watching lezzies get it on, you'll probably love this one. If not, I'm sure you'll be disappointed, especially with the confusing ending. 

Enjoy checking it out!

Review of Nocturne

 

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Nocturne is a 2020 Blumhouse Amazon original movie written and directed by Zu Quirke. It's about the bloodsport of classical music musicians. In fact, I think only classical musicians and extreme-metal musicians like me are the only ones truly challenging themselves, so I could relate to this film, big-time.

Mad Moira (Ji Eung Hwang) keeps a diary of her occult dealings, a virtuoso violinist better than any other. Unmercifully, she jumps to her death from her balcony when the grandfather clock chimes. 

Juliet Lowe (Sydney Sweeney) is a classical pianist who lives under the shadow of her sister, Vivian (Madison Wiseman), also a classical pianist, who's the lone musician at her school who's been chosen to attend Juilliard, the most prestigious school of music there is. Her jealous sister has chosen a gap year. Both sisters play lighting-fast on the keys.

Juliet is tired of playing second fiddle. When the faculty cleans out Mad Moira's mail slot, the diary falls onto the floor. Juliet snatches it, looking for an edge to become a better musician than her sister, making a Faustian deal with the devil. 

The pages in the diary urge Juliet to take three anti-anxiety pills instead of one, and they spell out that she has to steal Viv's boyfriend, Max (Jacques Colimon), as one of the stages. But the last stage has been ripped from the diary. 

Filled with pride, Juliet chooses the same piece Vivian had chosen to play at the senior school showcase, Saint Saens Piano Concerto No. 2, and in time, steals her musical teacher, Dr. Cask (Ivan Shaw), who has sexual ties to Viv. At the party at the beach, Juliet allows Viv to fall off a cliff and break her arm but saves Max from going over the edge. Now Juliet is chosen to replace her sister at the showcase, and it seems like she's moving ahead of her sister. But it only seems that way. Juliet cuts down the achievement of Dr. Cask and makes bold claims about becoming the star pianist.

But Juliet suffers visions of a bright yellow light, as well as hearing that dastardly grandfather clock, which cause her to fall off the stool and pass out while rehearsing for the showcase, and she slips down the downward spiral she has chosen. 

This one's on Amazon Prime, so check it out. You won't regret it.

Review of Pet Sematary: Bloodlines

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Pet Sematary: Bloodlines is not a remake, but a prequel, going back in time to when Jud Crandall--the old man from the first movie, excellently played by Fred Gwynne of Herman Munster fame--was a young man, and the wide-awake night terror happened to him.

The film is an a 2023 American supernatural horror movie directed by Lindsey Anderson Beer and written by Beer and Jeff Buhler (Buhler? Buhler?). Set in 1969, it happens fifty years before the original movie based on the excellent Stephen King novel, Pet Sematary.

A youthful Jud Crandall (Jackson White) endeavors to escape his boring home town of Ludlow, Maine--the fictional town from the book--with his lovely, blond girlfriend, Norma (Natalie Alyn Lind), taking off in his car to join the Peace Corps. 

But the town won't let him go. 

A huge black bird crashes into the windshield, and they find a dog in front of the car looking mangy and diseased that belongs to local Bill Baterman (David Duchovny of The X Files fame) and find that his son, Timmy (Jack Mulhern), has returned from the war, but doesn't act ... right. What they don't realize is that Timmy came back dead and his dad buried him in the Mi'kmaq burial ground beyond the Pet Sematary. Consequently, he came back ... wrong. Timmy raptly watches said dog attack Norma's arm, and waits before firing a shot in the air which scares the pet off. You see, the dog's been buried there, too. 

It's not long before Timmy wreaks havoc on the town, killing some and making another like him. The members of the predominant families call a meeting and, since they know the evil history of the town, realize they have to put an end to Timmy. 

My favorite part is when the founders of the town discover the Mi'kmaq village, which is overrun with zombies who'd been buried in the evil graveyard, feasting on corpses, and are told to "Aim for the eyes," as zombies must be killed by a shot to the head.

I had high hopes for this one, but instead of just showing up at the Baterman's and burning down the house with Timmy in it, like the clip in Pet Sematary, it goes too far with everyone escaping from the burning house--chasing a seemingly unkillable Timmy--and Bill Baterman getting out with them, then traveling through an underground tunnel and into a creek for more unplotly hijinks.

But, by all means, watch it and decide for yourself! 

☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

Review of Immaculate With Sydney Sweeney

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OK, so I had to rent this one that's still in theaters because it's so ironic to have Sydney Sweeney play a nun. She was also one of the producers, whatever that means. So here we go! 

Immaculate, psychological horror, is a 2024 film written by Andrew Lobel and directed by Michael Mohan. In the intro, Sister Mary (Simona Tabasco) steals Mother Superior's keys and tries to escape. Four hooded and disguised figures make short work of that. She ends up buried alive. 

Along comes American novice Sister Cecelia (Sydney Sweeney), who was trapped under ice at a young age and died for seven minutes, only to be revived, in her mind, for a reason--a destiny. She devotes her life to God. 

Being special not lost to her watchers, she gets an invitation from Father Sal Tedeschi (Alvaro Morte) to join a convent in Italy, but her dream life of being a nun soon becomes a wide-awake night terror, for Tedeschi is a mad geneticist, and he's chosen her for a baleful, sickening reason. 

I feel that Sydney pulled it off, actually convinced me she was an innocent nun, her acting prowess flawless. The movie is gory as hell, which is supposed to be a last resort, and there are plenty of booby shots--I mean, it's Sydney Sweeney--but, overall, I thought it was an interesting, entertaining film; it didn't blow me away, however.

Check it out for yourself if you haven't already. It's been in theaters since March. And let me know your thoughts in the comments. Enjoy!